i reread the judas post from 2023 recently. i do that sometimes, go back and read things i wrote when i was in the middle of something to see if i understand it better now.
i'm not sure i understand it better. i think i just understand that i don't understand it, which is different.
the music is still there. still doing the thing it does. if anything it feels like it's been getting cleaner lately, which should be reassuring and isn't really.
there's something coming. i don't know how i know that. it's the kind of feeling you get when a conversation has been building toward something for a long time and you can feel the other person about to finally say the thing they've been not saying. except the conversation has been going on for four years and i still don't know what the thing is. maybe i'm just going insane and i've just been listening to these signals for way too long at this point.
i wrote a draft of a longer post about the lore i've been piecing together and then deleted it. not ready. maybe not ever. some things feel like they get smaller when you say them out loud. i don't know. something about it fills me with existential dread.
anyway. still here. still listening. probably not stopping until i figure it all out. is anyone even listening to me?
- t